Thinking about Jimmy

He's mine, yup, he is! No one's ever gonna love him more than I do.

I am my sun sign

The Crab. Not 'crabby', just THE Crab. That's me. A cancerian crab. Picture it... it scurries sideways, rarely moving obviously forward, but somehow it gets to it's destination riding on the ripples of the ocean near the shore. It has a tough shell, which it uses for protection. Any perceived threat and it pulls inside itself and waits. The more you tap it, the more tightly it tucks in. And it will stay that way until the coast is clear. Rarely does it strike out, rarely is it aggressive. Until it's existance is surely threatened, and then comes out the big claws which will then surprisingly snap someting in two. Snap!



Age six.


This is me. My first instinct during challenging times is to withdraw, become silent, gather myself from within. Let me just be. Give me time. I love my shell! It's always available, dependable and effective. It's comfortable too :) And I like to travel sideways, not straight forward. Directly forward makes me uneasy. It's too fast. Zigzagging gives me time. The time that I need to make decisions and think about their consequences. It allows me to feel in control.

So I am in the middle of zigzagging. Sometimes life just seems to wizz by so fast that I also must to pull into my comfy shell until I can catch up. And contemplate.
And make good decisions. And the clingy crab that I am, I cling to the past, what I know, what is secure.

But Sarah is growing up, the boys are moving quickly and surely into their own lives. And my constant job is to evaluate the future and to configure a way to continue to give Sarah all that she needs. It seems to get harder and harder each year to manage this. And so I ponder, brood, contemplate, examine, and reflect. And I pull inward while doing so.

It's tiring and draining, but it is work that must be done. I'm bouncing around in the waves a little bit, but the water is my home. I was never so happy to see 3 days of rain this week. The fog, the drizzle, the rain on the roof, the downpours, the grey skies, the drips. All of it felt so good.

Soon I hope to pop my head out, and sun myself on the nearest rock, decisions having been made and a plan in place. I long for that day. Until then, all is well, I'm just thinking.

14

Sunday we celebrated Sarah's 14th birthday. It was done her way:

No party.

14 balloons

14 cupcakes

a 3 hour midday nap

opera music

gifts with no wrapping paper

a yummy dinner at a restaurant

After dinner she wanted to take a ride, so we rode.

We went to the harbor and watched the boats and listened to the birds.

Then a warm bath, a quiet little 'happy birthday' song and finally bed

She was asleep in 2 minutes

It was a perfect quiet day for her.

Oh,

The cat ate the balloon ribbons.

And threw them up all over the rug.

Fun times.

A little outing

Tonight after dinner Sarah and I took a ride in the car. She is feeling much better and I knew she would love to get out. It was one of those warm, humid summer evenings with the mildest hint of fog hugging our little town.
And so we drove around, with me picking the bumpier roads because one of Sarah's greatest joys in life is bouncing up and down in the back seat as we make our way over bumps. The faster the better, as far as she is concerned, bringing shrieks and laughter.
I really had no idea where we were headed, just meandering along. We ended up at the boardwalk. If you walk it's length, it takes you to the beach. But tonight it was too late to take the stroll, but I so wanted to get her out of the car and into the breezy salt air, just for a little while.
And then I spotted it. A little wooden bench. A perfect little grey, weatherbeaten bench facing the marsh and an inlet from the ocean. Right near the boardwalk. Close enough that she could hear people milling about and unprotected enough that she could hear all the birds and feel the wind on her face.
And so I carried her to the perfect spot and carefully placed her on the bench so she had time to form her body to the shape of the seat. And then we sat. And listened. She laughed. She turned her face to feel the wind. I told her about the birds. And she listened some more.








And a good time was had by all. We will come back.

Still ill

It's been a very long week here. My girl is under the weather. Smiles are hiding. She is very congested, solemn, pale and tired. She does not want to cough, in fact she tries not to cough. She gazes at me with her big blues as if to say "What's going on mamma? Why do I feel so bad?" I tell her she has a cold, but then I realize she she thinks I am telling her she IS cold, so now I just use the word 'cough'.
I try to reassure her with hugs and kisses and hope she understands that she will feel better soon. And so we are plugging along, hoping this will play itself out without another jaunt to the doctor, hoping the prednisone will keep her floppy airway open enough. Enough to keep us out of the ER.
So the house is messy, I seriously need to go food shopping and the laundry is demanding attention. And I just don't care, which is saying something. I am generally OCD when it comes to tidiness and organization. I like everything in it's place and can't think straight unless this is so. But today, I am soley focused on Sarah and where she's at: getting all her meds into her, getting enough fluids into her, bathing her, feeding her and getting her up into her stander to help those lungs clear.

And trying to get a few smiles. This morning, she finally shared one with me and tears came to my eyes. I miss her so, when she is sick.

She did well

In the middle of Sarah's sickness we had an important appointment. We have had the Tobii for almost a month and Sarah is successful with it. She is happy to see 'her friend Tobii' placed in front of her. She can do the eyegaze, and she enjoys it.

But, we had to 'prove it' to the Speech Therapist, so the insurance would pay for it. She writes the report that is submitted to the insurance. So Sarah had to perform. Today. Because I have to send the Tobii back in a couple of days.

However, Sarah is sick, and cranky. Not good. She was going to have to ignore her misery and pull herself out of the fog. Well, at least enough to focus on the screen and answer a few questions, with a stranger in the room. I figured things would not go well, which would be a shame as she really can use it.

The therapist arrived right on time, but all Sarah wanted to do was go back to bed. She was sitting in her rocking chair with her head hanging. She had just finished breakfast and that was enough activity for one morning thankyouverymuch!

But, I pulled out her friend 'Tobii' and turned it on. Sarah spotted it from under her lashes and her head popped up, she leaned forward in the chair and reached for Tobii. She was a new girl with a communication system in front of her. Hardly looked sick at all.

I asked her a few questions, she answered like an old pro and she was then rewarded with her most favorite question of all time: Do you want to go to bed? Her very quick response was Yes and her wish was granted.

Success.

Whew. Good job Sarah.

Now we are off to the pediatrician to discuss this cough and her laryngomalacia. After her nap, of course:)

Cough, cough and cough again

She isn't feeling well this weekend, which is too bad cause it is my weekend off from work, we had some fun stuff planned and it is so beautiful out(ie no humidity). But, here we are, nursing her lousy cough and general malaise. Summer colds are a bummer. It is what it is, so we're making the best of it.



However, I did sneak away, leaving John in charge, to see my nephew's all-star game which was a nice break for me.





This last one is called 'getting hit by a pitch' lol.