Out the window

Days go along and I concern myself with work, shopping, teaching sarah, talking with friends, planting flowers, the boys...all the stuff that keeps one generally busy... And then Sarah doesn't feel well. And it all goes out the window. Not on purpose but out it goes. My brain looses track of what I am supposed to be doing and I walk around with a frown on my face. I can't help it.

Actually, what happens is I really don't notice that I have slipped into the 'ill sarah' realm until I start to come out of it. Until she starts to feel better. And I suddenly feel lighter. I can take a deep breath. And I think 'Wow, that was hard'.

Every time Sarah feels lousy this happens. Every. Single. Time. I can barely concentrate on feeding myself. I lose a couple of pounds. No matter what. I am pathetic.

And what brought this post up today? Well, Sarah had a Tdap immunization this week. she was due for it and I had put it off until I had a couple of days off from work so I could keep an eye on her afterwards. I worry about immunizations with her as she is not neurotypical and I do not know if any vaccines have affected her development in the past. She is one big question-mark. But she needs the Pertussis protection. She has a mildly floppy trachea and when she gets any kind of cough it tends to collapse on her, making it hard for her to catch her breath. I don't want to imagine what would happen if she picked up Pertussis.

Anyway, she had it on wednesday and that evening she became very pale and quiet and has remained that way since. Today is saturday. She has a large hot welt on her arm where Tdap was given. She's not horribly ill or anything, but 'under the weather' and I have found it difficult to pay attention to the rest of my life. But this morning she woke up with a giggle and a smile and I think she's back. And now I am smiling and thinking about breakfast. I will plant some flowers and head to work this afternoon feeling all is right with my world. It's all about Sarah for me. Can't control it. Can't explain it. It just is.

Scott

I cannot believe Sarah is almost 12. Not until august, but still..........So now I will bore you with a story. A story of how I believe she came to be. That's right, how she came to be. Here. On this planet. As one of my children. You get the idea. So here goes and I will start at the beginning. Way back in 1975. Eek. That's a long time ago! Now that I think about it. Anyway....

Once upon a time there was a girl that met a boy in high school. A wonderful, sweet, sensitive boy. His name was Scott. They quickly became boyfriend and girlfriend. They were together for 6 years before going their separate ways. The girl was forever changed because of Scott. He was a huge part of who she turned out to be. As the years passed they each went on to marry and have children. He lived on the West coast and she on the East coast. She thought of him often. He remained in her heart.

And then it was 1995. Now a single parent, the girl found herself unexpectedly expecting a third child. Her 2 older children were growing up and she thought her "baby" days were over. But, she was delighted. And she wondered, who in the heavens had seen to it that she receive such a precious gift? Who? Who had her happiness in mind? Who did she know up there that might be thinking of 'little old her'? No one that she could come up with.

And then she received a devastating phone call. Scott had just recently died of a heart attack. At the age of 35. Terribly young. Terribly tragic. While trying to absorb this horrible news she had a feeling, a stirring, a hunch. Had Scott been the one to give her this gift? The timing was extraordinary, the circumstances curious and unusual.

The baby was born 9 months later. She looked at her lovely daughter in those first few days and noticed that the child had 2 differently shaped ears, of all things....And she remembered that she had always quietly teased Scott about his own 2 differently shaped ears, of all things.... And it was then that she knew for sure, in her heart. This child. A present. A child that would turn out to be so much more sweet and precious than even she could have imagined at the time. He really outdid himself. And the baby was named Sarah Scott. Thankyou Scott. Words really aren't enough. I know you're watching.

unpacking and relaxing

It has been a busy week. John is home from college and his settling in has begun. Sarah is adjusting happily to his arrival, his voice, his movements. There is more 'conversation' in the house which she likes. When John and I are chatting, Sarah has her own sounds to add. It is a happier household with John home. Even Mia(the cat) is on her toes!

John and I have a few doctor appointments coming up in the next two weeks. John's because he is home now and able to go- and mine because I can leave Sarah with John instead of dragging her to waiting rooms. Yay!

Any way they say it...

Today is Mother's Day and I was going to say that hearing the word "mom" from my children is the single best word I have ever heard. But then I realized that each of my kids 'says' "mom" in a different way. And each is as priceless as the other.

First, there is 23 year old Jimmy. He prefers 'mamma'. "Hi mamma, happy mother's day!" is what I heard on the phone this morning. Music to my ears. It has always been 'mamma'. I have him on tape when he was 4 years old. You know....when they talk endlessly..one sentence after another with barely a pause to hear your input. At least that was how Jimmy was at that age. Well, he always ended each sentence with 'huh mama?". Such as --"It's time for lunch, huh mamma?", "I don't like bandaids, huh mamma?", "I have school today, huh mamma?", "We don't like John to cry, huh mamma?", "I don't want to fall down, huh mamma?"........you get the idea. On and on it went. Today was no different. Mamma.

Then there is 19 year old John. John is more traditional. 'Mom' it is. Always was 'mom' and still remains 'mom'. So today I heard "Happy Mother's Day mom!" John was not as verbal as his brother and so I heard the word 'mom' less often from him as they were growing up. So when he said it-I paid attention. He needed his 'mom'. John was not frivolous, he saved his words, choosing to speak only when it meant something. And he remains true to this form today. When he calls from college and I hear through the receiver "Hi mom!" I close my eyes and enjoy the moment.

And finally Sarah. She 'says' mom through her eyes. It is the way they light up when she sees me or hears me or feels me. It is the smile that comes over her face and the way she turns her face to follow me around the room. It is the way she strokes my hair as I lean down to put on her shoes. No word at all. A feeling. A sense. A comfort. A mother.

Three different ways. Three different styles. But all the same.