A video for you-turn up your speakers :)

Christmas and John's 19th birthday

Let it snow...

The first snow of the season. About 8 inches of heavy, snow-man-making snow. Just in time for Christmas if rain doesn't wash it away. I took these at night just as the storm was winding down. I felt driven to shovel the walk and driveway ASAP in case for some unexpected reason I have to get Sarah out of the house. Otherwise I feel locked in. It feels unsafe. I salted the walkway also as I would slip while carrying her to the car. She is heavy.

Gearing Up

We are getting ready for Christmas. Sarah is becoming familiar with the constant stream of Christmas songs. She enjoys driving around late in the afternoons and watching all the pretty decorative lights drift past.

The little green switch in the picture above asks me to turn off and turn on the snowglobe each time she presses it. She loves having some control.

christmas cookies

I have made these every year with my family since I was seven years old. Yum Yum.

Bunny

A few recent pics of my girl. She is doing great. Learning, riding, laughing...she is a lot of fun.

A new horse

today
sarah's riding lesson is over
a beautiful warm sunny hour
out in the bright rays
we now wait to brush Possum

i hear music
around the corner
in the large dark indoor ring

sarah's instructor informs me
of Coreena's arrival 2 days ago
from the south
a new horse
they are getting her accustomed
to the ring
with music playing
as the children respond to music

i walk over to the ring
peek my eyes around the corner
in the distance i see her
silhouetted
trotting in large brisk circles
responding to her rider's instruction
turn right, turn left
silently they ride as one
round and round
children's music playing
they are working
i remain silent
so as not to disturb

she is brown
her mane and tail are generous
the most beautiful honey blonde
wondering, i am sure
where am I?
4 days in a trailer
to get here
you are home
i think

and then the circles change
she is coming closer
i see her straight across the ring
she turns
and heads directly toward me
head on
i hold my breath
as she advances
she is power contained
nostrils flaring
mane swaying
dust swirling
hooves beating
she spots me ahead
ears suddenly perked
who is that?
i am still....
confident she will turn
at the last moment

she does
controlled by the rider
unable to indulge
her curiosity
of me
at this moment

we will meet again
next week
i cant wait

The Ladies

So, today was the yearly mammogram day. I dread these visits because there is always an issue. Always another 'view' required, always a 'let's do an ultrasound' required, always a looong wait between views and tests and conversations with the doctor. All the while my anxiety level rises and rises. Thank god I am already on blood pressure medication. I get myself all worked up during those hours thinking 'what if'. What if they find something? What if I have to come back? What if I have Cancer? What if I die? All in all, not a pleasant experience. I always come out of there feeling like I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.
Today was difficult but for different reasons. First of all, I had to bring Sarah. Usually she is calm, cooperative and easy to keep busy while I wait. Sure, she would get tired but I could generally work with her. Not so today. She did not want to be there and had no qualms about letting me know. So I was on extra duty to keep her from being disruptive.
Secondly, at the exact moment they called me in from the waiting room, Jimmy rang on the cell phone. So now I have this woman telling me what room to go in, where to put my clothes, what to put on and where to wait to be called---and Jimmy is excitedly telling me in my right ear about what he is doing today down in DC. Now, I am FAR more interested in what Jimmy is saying than anything else so I continue this conversation while trying to figure out where the heck I am supposed to be going. So I push the wheelchair over by the group of ladies sitting in their green gowns and say to them as I disappear into the dressing room- "Don't mind her!" all the while talking into a cell phone(which are not allowed, but there was NO WAY I was going to stop my child from telling me something he was excited to share). So, in I go and try to maneuver into one of those lovely green gowns on while still chatting and listening to Jimmy. Sarah is doing who-knows-what out there,probably drooling all over the place and whining....I can't begin to imagine what the ladies are thinking.
We end the phone call, I tell Jimmy to call me later. So now I go out to sit with Sarah. The ladies group is silent. They look at me. They stare at Sarah. I wonder what she was doing while unattended by me. She's pretty much leaning over to the right, whining and drooling. Lovely.
I get her settled better and we start looking through magazines to pass the time. Slowly some of the ladies start asking each other questions about how long they have been waiting, what doctor they are seeing, where they live and finally---why they are here today. What comes to light is shocking to me. ALL THESE LADIES ARE HERE FOR BREAST BIOPSIES. Every single one. Except me. So now they are comparing different types of biopsies. Like women share recipies. I feel like I am on the edge of a nightmare. These ladies are experiencing what I fear most, a possible breast cancer diagnosis. And they are all so lovely, composed, humorous, dignified and supportive. And they are talking excitedly about upcoming trips and events. How do they do this? How are they not falling apart with anxiety about test results? How are they smiling? How are they talking about Italy and the best places to visit? HOW? What is their secret?
I looked at each and every one of them, young and old, with admiration. One older woman had a faded mastectomy scar under her gown. These women are survivors. They have something I am lacking. And I am not sure exactly what it is. But I wish I had it. If I was told I needed a breast biopsy, I would have to be medicated heavily with anti-anxiety medication as I would be SURE I had cancer and would not survive the disease. I can't help it, it is how I am. I have problems apparently.
So, I was called in for my little routine mammogram that felt very insignificant at this point and when I returned to the ladies group there was only one left. The others had all been called separately for their biopsies. The hour of sharing and bonding was over.I felt a little sad. Everyone had scattered back into their own lives. None of us will ever know how the next one fared. I said goodbye and went on my way too.
Oh, and my results? Entirely normal. No ultrasounds, no more 'views, no biopsies, no cancer. A simple mammogram and I go home. Unusual for me. Huh. I guess I will be around for another year.

relief

Called Jimmy tonight
knew he was alone
girlfriend far away

he was chatty
stories to tell
making me laugh
laugh
laugh

felt great
a relief
in these dark days
the sun for me

And then there was one....

Today my son John left for college. I am on the verge of tears at all moments-the littlest reminder is all it takes:

The movie ROCKY on TV(one of his favorites)
His Sprite soda left in the refrigerator
A green apple he left in there too
His cat waiting by the door for him
His beach chair outside on the deck
His empty bedroom
The SILENCE IS DEAFENING...

....in the hardest moment of the day today....Jimmy calls...thank god

Possum

Here is Possum, Sarah's riding partner. He is calm, gentle and bomb-proof. Sarah rides him on a cute little purple saddle. Every time she rides she sits straighter than the time before. Today she was the most comfortable so far. She was looking around at everything, not just coping with balancing on Possum. Today was the FIRST DAY she did not cry when I put the riding helmet on! She is making progress. Good for her. Thankyou, Possum, for being so patient with my girl.

Heaven...our style, anyway

Well, I took a walk after supper with Sarah. She rode her bike and I helped her along. She chirped with delight as we made our way down winding lanes lined with little cape homes, white picket fences, roses, daisies, hydrangeas, day lillies, green lawns and driveways made out of shells. Across the yards whispered the sea breeze. From a distance we could children's voices as they played at the beach.
This is the kind of life I have always wanted for my daughter and myself after the boys were grown. A cottage by the ocean, the smell of the salt air, the sound of the foghorn, little streets for her to ride along, horseback riding lessons, schoolwork at home, a swing for her in the backyard and a soft, cozy bed to tuck her into at the end of the day. This is just right for us. Simple. Uncomplicated. Right.

At the end of The Yellow Brook Road

We are in our new home. It is cozy with lots of shady trees. A nice spacious yard and best of all---- no stairs!! We are all settling in, including the cat. For a while there, Sarah was wondering WHEN we were returning "home". But I think she has given up on that idea and accepts that this is the new "home". So all is well. It's been a long month and now i am gearing up for John's departure to college in a few weeks. So many changes, but all good ones, I remind myself.

She is Me

........................................................................................And Me is She

A Glorious Accomplishment!

Sarah finally pedals her bike all by herself! She has had this bike for 4 years and after all these years of pushing her...pushing....her feet rotating round and round...and round and round..and again and again...with my huffing and puffing behind her....push Sarah! push Sarah!....and then it happened.....she pushed down with her right foot...and around the wheels went. She did it again and around they went again and she was off! Down the street she flew with me running behind. Me...running after my daughter...who is riding a bike.....all by herself. Amazing.

Finding a new home

"It's always best to start at the beginning.... and all you do is follow the Yellow Brick Road"
Glinda-the good witch of the North

Sarah is patient

As our family has been so busy this last month with celebrations, Sarah has taken a back seat. But she is doing very well. She stayed home with aunt Ali while we went to DC and stayed home with her godmother Lisa while we attended John's ceremony. Since disruptions in her daily routine are hard for her I was braced for some fussiness or whining. However, she did fine. She is learning to tolerate more changes, her flexibility is increasing and her sense of humor is a blessing.

John's Day Begins

It was a HOT, HOT, HUMID DAY here on Cape Cod. Especially for the graduates who were cloaked in the hot outer robes over dress clothes. A beautiful blue sky prevailed with only the tiniest breeze. All went as planned, only one person fainted and everyone received their diplomas. YAY!


Uncle Jimmy takes the pending gratuate to the ceremony in style

He graduates

Aunt Ali and cousin Brian

THE BIG MOMENT ARRIVES



Myself, John, Kathy's son Stephen and Kathy

John and Uncle Jimmy

Tired and hot after it's over

WOW

So John has finished all his classes and finals. His 12 years of school have ended. I went through his room today and threw out all his school related notebooks, papers, binders, assignments. There is nothing in his room left of those 12 years other than yearbooks, and shortly a diploma. It's over. I really can't believe it. He is done. Finished. No more report cards, school lunches, poster boards, projects, back-to-school shopping, open houses, meeting teachers... Where did it all go? How can it be that 'my little johnny' is ready to fly the nest? Here is John on his very first day of school(so sweet!) and on his very last day of school. Twelve full years.....

Graduation Weekend for Jimmy

The previous four posts show pictures of our weekend with Jimmy. Check them out if you have a few moments. We had a wonderful time. It went by much too quickly and now I am back to my usual life. BUT.....we have another graduation this coming weekend! John is graduating from Highschool. I am planning his celebration. Stay tuned!

The end of the day

We went to Georgetown on the waterfront for dinner after visiting the townhouse. It was so relaxing. Jimmy talked to Aunt Ali on the phone for a while. We so wished she could have been with us. It started to get dark after dinner so we took a taxi to the Lincoln Memorial. The night was warm and still. The memorial was lit up as was the Washington Monument which then lit up the reflecting pool between the two. It was 10 pm and people were still visiting President Lincoln on this late Sunday night. It was hushed and many of the men were in suits. Very surreal. And lovely.
The first few pics are at the waterfront. The middle ones are on the steps of the Lincoln. The second to last one is me sitting on Einstein which is Jimmy's favorite 'monument' in DC. If you stand right in front of him with your toes on one certain spot you can hear your own echo but no one else can hear it. Very interesting. The last picture is Jimmy hailing a cab for us. I particularly enjoy watching him hail a cab, of all things-lol. He has those long legs, he goes right out into the middle of the lanes of oncoming traffic, throws up that long right arm and gives a loud shout. He is confident and aggressive. I love that. I love him.

Jimmy's new place

After graduation we all went out to lunch, then Jimmy took me, John and Uncle Jimmy over to see his new place. He has rented a brownstone with 2 other guys for the next year. Anyway, we were running late as we were supposed to meet at 6pm at the new place. The other parents were going to be there so I could meet them. It was now 6:30 and we had many intersections to get through to get there. Jimmy drove like something I had never seen before :) Whipping around corners, speeding, going right on reds(not allowed), it was truly shocking-lol. My brother and I were in the back seat alternating between horror and hysterical laughter. I did manage to get a couple of pics. John was in the front seat and we never heard a peep out of him-not quite sure if he was in shock or thought this was normal driving in Washington.
Anyway, we got there in one piece and in time to meet the other families before they left. The townhouse is nice, Jimmy is thrilled with it. He plans to purchase a large grill for the backyard. The other 2 guys were good and it is helpful that I can now picture in my mind where he will be living for the next 12 months. It is very hard for me to get to Washingon because of Sarah's needs. I was only able to actually attend this graduation because my sister was generous enough to stay with Sarah for the weekend. I wish they both could have come with us.
As I told my sister, Ali, I was teary leaving Sarah for the weekend and then teary leaving Jimmy at the end of the weekend. I will never be completely happy again. My children are no longer under the same roof-waaaaaaaa.

The Big Day

Included in these pictures are myself, John, my brother Jimmy and Jimmy's dad-'Slick'. The ceremony for George Washington University took place on the National Mall in front of the Capitol. It was at 10am and lasted 2 hours during which it sprinkled a bit of rain and the sun also shone brightly. We are all so proud.

Here we go

These were taken the night before Jimmy's college graduation. We flew down to DC that day. I hadn't seen him since Christmas. He was wonderful. His 'true colors' are absolutely beautiful to me. Like a rainbow-as Cyndi Lauper says :)
Let's see...the pictures above show Jimmy and his girlfriend Samantha, another with his great friend Dan(aka- 'Bartlett') and then Jimmy helping John with his tie and finally me and Jimmy. Oh, the pic in the middle is Jimmy giving his approval of the 'congratulations' dessert at our very fancy dinner.