I am my sun sign

The Crab. Not 'crabby', just THE Crab. That's me. A cancerian crab. Picture it... it scurries sideways, rarely moving obviously forward, but somehow it gets to it's destination riding on the ripples of the ocean near the shore. It has a tough shell, which it uses for protection. Any perceived threat and it pulls inside itself and waits. The more you tap it, the more tightly it tucks in. And it will stay that way until the coast is clear. Rarely does it strike out, rarely is it aggressive. Until it's existance is surely threatened, and then comes out the big claws which will then surprisingly snap someting in two. Snap!



Age six.


This is me. My first instinct during challenging times is to withdraw, become silent, gather myself from within. Let me just be. Give me time. I love my shell! It's always available, dependable and effective. It's comfortable too :) And I like to travel sideways, not straight forward. Directly forward makes me uneasy. It's too fast. Zigzagging gives me time. The time that I need to make decisions and think about their consequences. It allows me to feel in control.

So I am in the middle of zigzagging. Sometimes life just seems to wizz by so fast that I also must to pull into my comfy shell until I can catch up. And contemplate.
And make good decisions. And the clingy crab that I am, I cling to the past, what I know, what is secure.

But Sarah is growing up, the boys are moving quickly and surely into their own lives. And my constant job is to evaluate the future and to configure a way to continue to give Sarah all that she needs. It seems to get harder and harder each year to manage this. And so I ponder, brood, contemplate, examine, and reflect. And I pull inward while doing so.

It's tiring and draining, but it is work that must be done. I'm bouncing around in the waves a little bit, but the water is my home. I was never so happy to see 3 days of rain this week. The fog, the drizzle, the rain on the roof, the downpours, the grey skies, the drips. All of it felt so good.

Soon I hope to pop my head out, and sun myself on the nearest rock, decisions having been made and a plan in place. I long for that day. Until then, all is well, I'm just thinking.