Life is funny. You just never know.
This morning I woke up feeling kinda sick. A little nauseous and a headache. Blah. Just out of sorts. Tired too. It was a long stressful night at work last night and I am feeling the effects this morning.
Sarah is sitting in her rocking chair next to me, watching her Barbie DVD, while I type. Suddenly, I hear Barbie singing a christmas song. And something stirs in my brain, something rises above my dreariness and I feel happy. Just happy. The bleakness ebbs and is replaced by a sliver of joy. Christmas. That's when the boys are home for a few days. That's when I am joyful and animated. Because they will be here. With us. I love that feeling. I love looking forward to it.
What's interesting is that for years and years growing up, it was well known in my family that I did not like Christmas. I could never put into words why, but I just didnt like it. I found it stressful and I felt anxious. Perhaps it is because when I was 10, I was very sick with a stomach ulcer, at Christmas time, and every year after that Christmas reminded me of how sick I had been...or perhaps it was that in high school I was unable to spend Christmas eves with my boyfriend because we were different religions and his parents wouldn't allow it. It's hard to say, but I did not like the Christmas season.
I remember when I had first had my oldest son, Jimmy. My mom said that now I would enjoy christmas because I had a child. Well, it was better, true, but I couldn't entirely shake the Christmas issue. Then came John, who was born the day after Christmas. I hoped that the combo of the holiday and my sweet boy's birthday every year would be the trick. Again, it helped, but not really. I went through the motions but the past was haunting me.
And Sarah came, the years marched in and out, Christmas was OK, but I just wasn't feeling it. Of course the kids loved it, we had family over, we did the decorations, made the cookies and cooked a turkey. It looked great on the outside but I felt sort of down on the inside.
And then Jimmy left for college. Far away. And I only saw him on holidays. And that was when everything changed. It was a weird feeling for me. I was LOOKING FORWARD to Christmas. At first I felt odd, I was anticipating the holiday like everyone else. I didn't really know how to do it. But each year I got a little better at it. The tree started going up earlier and staying up later. I bought some christmas cds. I put wreaths on the house. I started to think about what Christmas was all about. I felt joy. Jimmy was coming home!
Now with 2 boys arriving every year, I am practically ecstatic. Sometimes I pop in a Christmas CD during the year to 'borrow' the feeling for a few minutes.
So this morning, while feeling blah, I hear Barbie singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas and suddenly I feel better. Christmas is coming and so are my boys. Granted, it's still a few months away, but it IS coming. I feel a sparkle of joy and my headache backs off. So now, I'm going to get up and feed my girl, and think about snow and christmas lights.
Yay for Christmas! It's all about family. For me anyway. And I love it. Who ever would have thought? It took me 50 years to fully get here, I feel like I'm 5 years old, anticipating Christmas with clapped hands :)
